Forever, was really meant to happen, just not meant to start now.

 

Thank you, first love.

When I had my first love, way back 2008-2009 at Parang High School, Marikina (just be sort of specific), it really gave me a lesson of falling in love to someone. Just a question, how does it really feel to fall in love with all your heart, and how does it really feel that despite of loving so much, everything would just be thrown away? These are the most unexplainable emotions that i never thought i would be explaining now. By the time that we are getting along with each other, i really thought that focusing on someone you almost consider "YOUR LIFE"(please admit it, it's first love. Haha.) Would really meant for someone as well. As a teen that has no idea how to fall in love, you might really get a headache. But as what most people are saying always, when you love... THESE are the MUSTs, give your time, ask for your mom to load up your phone so you'd be able to maintain connection, and bring her own before 6pm and many more. That's what i knew about it, because that i was just starting. I thought everything is working for both of us. It just so came to a point that, we got used with the system, we got fought so much and we survive. When we are almost having our very first anniversary, I think that's really the most sorrowful moment in whole life with her.

When we are heading home, while holding hands together, she just smirked at me, I looked at her, and i also smiled, and i just asked why? My thinking that time is maybe she'll be saying I love you and many more. But the truth is, and then whole life of being together in a relationship would be just gone for a moment. She started her words with "I hope... you don't get angry if I'll tell you something." It's really nerve cracking; I turned to be so nervous on how she started her sentence. But I didn't let her know, or maybe she just felt that I would feel kind of nervous because she knew all along that I am the guy who just wanted to smile every day of his life even he is almost devoured by the surroundings that brings sadness.

As she continued, she said... "You still remember Ron, and James?" Those guys were the people kept chasing my very first girlfriend. They even pushed themselves over the phones. My very fault was, I just told her that it’s fine to be courted by those guys as long it is over the phone but what I didn’t knew was I just gave them a way to hurt me. After those words, my heart beats so fast, and my knees got a little weaker, but I manage myself to smile, still. "I had relationship with the three of you." you know what my reaction was? It was like a drama, that girl definitely ruined my life of being so in love to someone, whom i thought I will be spending forever with. This time, it was just hard for me to get a smile because she spoke about the truth that i have pretended that is not true because I fully trusted her the whole time. When we started, she wasn't really the type that would give other guys a chance to send message to her and many more. But when we proceeded third year, she got along with this particular girl who's really particular with good looking boys. You know, what's really sad about my story is that, our common friend already told me about what's happening. But I said, "I can't believe you yet, unless stated." What pains the most is, you should've known that and you should've prepared yourself for this but when she mentioned that personally, all the preparation thing would be gone. I was trying my best that time not to cry, I was holding an umbrella for us, anyway it was raining that time, a really perfect moment to spend a very sad night. I can't help but to cry a little, i was really convincing myself that "IT'S NOT TRUE". See now the effect of trusting someone? Even if they spoke for the truth that you though were a lie, you'll not easily accept that.

I didn't have the courage to ask her why she did that. Despite of spending my whole life being honest, spending my whole time loving just one girl, and even surrendering your phone and let her text all the girls in your contacts, she did it, still? I was just really feeling bad not just for her, but for me as well.

When i got home, my sister first saw me cry, she was actually against to our relationship because all she ever wanted was for me to study very well, and i really think that she easily figured out who did that to me. I was really crying so badly inside the comfort and maybe she heard me and she started to ask "WHY?" The funny answer was, "I am not fooled by L. (not to mentioned the name), a very close friend just died yesterday.) But she doubted, so i guess she called my first love, I really don’t know that time if it's a good thing to admit what you did, but she said the truth to my sister. When she knew, my first reaction was, "No, she didn't do that." It's a stupid act to protect a girl who ruined your dream. From that very day, I lost my interest, and I feel like I don't like doing things again with the other people. All I just ever wanted was for me to forget what she admitted. It's hard for me to deal with it, but the truth is, I learned. Time passed, and I am here, totally moved on. When the dreamt relationship ended, I really cried hard, not just to my friends, but to God as well. The feeling was unexplainable, the pain that eats you every day. Before we broke up, I even beg people. That's love, a very wrong love. Now, I thank God because with that experience, I really still consider myself lucky because i experience it at an early age.

It is very true that "All the pain would be found in your first love." All i can just say now is that, when we love, it is so great and even grand to give what you can give, so when the time comes that you got hurt so much, and you almost feel nothing... maybe it's the time to move yourself on. Some people can't do this because they didn't give what is supposed to be given. They can't move on because their hearts are asking for more. Just one thing, it's okay not to move on, as long as you know you are not done. Remember, when we are truly in love with someone, they should be an inspiration and not destruction. We should feel more of an excitement, and not the state of being lament. Forever could actually really be done, but it can't be done with just one person, couples must agree to do it. But if the person that you love don't want to, be not sad. It's enough to know that you wanted it, maybe not just for the person you love but for the other people that will arrive soon.

It's maybe not right to love fully, but I really think that it is the first requirement of love, your devotion. And that devotion would tell you how does it really feel being in love. Either good or bad, you’ll soon see, as you love truly.